One day you’re the best thing since sliced bread. The next, you’re toast.
“He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.”
Drinking after work is
great, but if you want to enjoy work, drink before work.
Q: What do you call a
lesbian dinosaur? A: Lickalotopuss.
Why don’t witches wear
panties? Better grip on the broom.
Worrying works! 90% of the
things I worry about never happen
Where do stoner cars store
their weed? – In potholes.
I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe
What gets wetter the more
it dries? A towel
On the other hand, you
have different fingers.
Your family tree must be a
cactus, ’cause everyone on it’s a prick.
What kids learn from Dora:
2% Spanish. 98% Backpack! Backpack!
3 words, 8 letters, easy
to say, hard to prove, ‘I’m a zebra’
I wish I could Google shit
like: “Where the f#ck is my phone?” and it be like: “Under your
Screw that “ily”
bullshit. If you really love me, you can f#cking spell it.
Police Officer: “How
high are you?” .. No, no, no, it’s “Hi, how are you?”
Parents always see us
“taking a break” but they never see us studying.
Girl language: Go away =
Come back. I hate you = I love you. I’m fine = I’m not okay.
What’s a social life and
where can I illegally download one?
Why do all the trees in
Kansas lean south? Because Oklahoma sucks.
I don’t care how loud I’m
laughing, I’m having fun and you’re not.
We all have a family
member who think they’re a professional photographer.
When a girl says
“have fun” She means “have a horrible time without me.”
I lost my contacts = I
deleted your number
Reasons to date me: 1. No
one will try and steal me from you. 2. Sometimes I’m funny
You might Be a redneck
if….. Your bananas and your wife have the same amount of bruises..
What happens in an exam :
Tik tok, Mind block, Pen stop, Eye pop, Full shock, Jaw drop, Time up, No Luck.
Guess what I saw today?
Everything I looked at.
Not feeling this
“school” thing tomorrow !
Disney Channel will never
be as good as it was when I was a kid.
Be happy in front of
people who hate you, it’ll kill them..
I was like… “And he
was like…” “And she was like…” “Then I was
I’ve heard sex is a
killer. Want to die happy?
My room is about as
organized as the Walmart $5 DVD bin.
Q: What do you call a dog
with no hind legs and metal balls? A: Sparky.
If practice makes perfect,
and nobody’s perfect, why practice?
I want to meet the teenage
versions of my parents.
My Heart says
“Yes”, My Head says “No” and I say “I don’t
Not that I hate you.. But
I’ll unplug your life support to charge my phone
Whats long and hard and
has cum in it? A cucumber!
What did the spider do on
the computer? A website!
Yes, Google, that’s what I
I fake smiles like a pro..
Music is my life. The
lyrics are my story.
Don’t leave a girl you
need, for a girl you want.
Single bells, Single
Bells, Single all the way.
I like food more then
I want a shirt that says
“Eat or die”
Your existence annoys me !!